The great Vivienne Westwood once said, “You have a much better life if you wear impressive clothes”. Let me just make one thing clear: when partying with the “A” list set, I COULD NOT AGREE MORE!!! Last night was crazy, crazy, crazeeeee … in fact, I can’t believe I’m about to share what I am with you darlings. But I PROMISED. I know. It’s just … well, you’re about to see anyways. I am, however, going to put up a HUUUUUUGEE disclaimer here. What I am about to share with you is highly highly HIGHHHHHH-UPPPP TOP-SECRET-BEHIND-THE-SCENES-BAD-ASS CELEB NEWS. OKAY, so all the names are removed and everything, but it’ll still take anyone who knows about this kind of thing only about ….. well, let’s see … two and a point tenth of a minute to figure out who/what/where/when. But such is my addiction, my total obsession with this goddamn thing called blogging (does every blogger have this thing – “obsession to the profession”?), that ME gonna SHARE!

First of all, however, I have been taking a long look at all your sweet and charming and helpful comments and links and weblogs. OKAY … WOW, some of this is seriously impressive shit! I never knew there was a whole community out there like this, blogging away … it’s like one of those subversive media packs, hacking away in underground basements in the middle of a the chaos of the adbusting society we all elusively pledge ourselves to … it’s like … a mission. So … I’m inventing a new word for this – and it’s not blogsphere, blogzone, blogland or anything so techy and geeky (because – I have to admit, I thought this whole thing was ULTRA-GEEKY when I first started out – but it’s not, it’s like, as I say, sooooooo totally radical). My new name for us, my new name for this REVOLUTION OF PRIMMADONNAS is: THE BLOGORAZZI!!!

So … welcome … welcome … WELCOME BLOGORAZZI! Pass that name out there, blog about it, but get it out there. It came from an “A” list super-fucking-star, and it’s a super-fucking-star name for us radicals and revolutionaries of the NEW WORLD ORDER.

OKAYYYY … you might be able to tell, I’m a little hung over this morning and still just a wayyyyyyy bit drunk after all the cocktails last night. More than anything. However, I’m totally hung up on telling you about my day (you ain’t gonna-fucking-believe-it): and this is just it, the pleasure that blogging has given me: before becoming a member of the BLOGORAZZI I was sooooooooo fucking BORED by this shit – it was just shit that happened every other weekend and it tired me out, it alienated me, screwed me up I guess: but last night, as alllllll of this was going on, I was, for ONCE ……. EXCITED! JOYFUL! DAZZLED …. RAZZLED-AND-FUCKIN’-DAZZZLED (okay, it’s OFFICIAL: I AM STIL DRUNK).

Breathe deep now … breathe … breathe ……………. Here goes BLOGORAZZI (I LOVE that name) …

First, PR conference. I wore some stunning Manolo’s … (there’s a hint hint HINT for ya’ll) and a great little mini-piece thing … it was totally SEX all over. I could see the filthy dogs at the front of the corporate pack salivating and I thought: YA, DAMMIT, I AM A STAR. THIS IS WHY YOU ARE HERE: BECAUSE OF MEEEEE. (This is what I always think at these things: TIP to wanna-be celebrities: when in public BELIEVE IN YOURSELF to the point of arrogance, but never actual arrogance itself – that just sucks and makes you look pathetic like those dudes on the Idol shows). BTW, I wasn’t totally clear about what this was yesterday – it was an “invitation only” PR thing, so you may/may not see bits of it on TV, depending on what network you’re tuned into and what show (no more hints for now, soreeeeee).

The hardest part went something like this:

REPORTER: So … (I hate those sooooo’s, hey always imply something’s going be asked that has NOTHING to do with work at all and EVERYTHING to do with my personal life) … anyone in your life yet?

ME: Hmmm … (laughing: laughing because I thought about YOU, my BLOGGERS: it looked totally unprofessional and ridiculous)

REPORTER: So there IS someone new in your life. Is it name removed again?

ME: No! (Again, a totally unprofessional response: tip: NEVER ever ever ever ever ever answer a question to a journalist this way).

REPORTER: Umm …? You seem pretty mad at him?

ME: (Much more professionally now) Noooooo …we had some good times together and I think it hurt a lot and everything, but it’s over. And I have heard name removed is now dating again –

REPORTER: You mean, dating name removed?

ME: Well … yes. And I’m super happy for him. I’m just focused on keeping things going with my work and making it the best it can possibly be, and I don’t think I can ask any more of myself than that.

REPORTER: But I saw a twinkle in your eye when I asked you if you had anyone new.

ME: Well … not anyone … exactly … just wait, world, is what I gotta say!

PRGURU, who we will now call CRUELLA, after “johnnyi’s comment” (thank you thank you thank you sweetie) though that last comment was a real winner:

CRUELLA: Thatssss the kinda thing I’m talking about baby. It must be name removed (Movie Star I’m meeting later)

Which made me even happier about my blog.

After a PR gig there’s always a feeling that you’re kinda flyin’ if it went well, (which it did) and my meeting with my Managers was also a total HIT. They’ve increased my … well, let’s just call it earnings (sorry, I’m not going to reveal my job, it’s wayyyyy too sensitive) by about 55%! In fact, it just means that I’m going to make even more impact this year than I could possibly have thought – especially when I thought things were going not-too-right (55% is MASSIVE BTW – don’t ever EVER turn that kinda thing down when you’re earning in the $$$$$$$$’s).

Sooooooooooo … onto the party. The parteeeee which got me COMPLETELY DRUNK (you’ll see why).

Breathe … breathe … OKAYYYYYYY …

I arrived, in a Limo, as usual. I was wearing: “Dior Street Charm Bracelet”, diamond-and-ruby studded Chooooooooooo’s, customized white haute couture Chanel dress, white tights – i.e. SEXY AS for my friggin-A-friggin-list-friggin-movie-friggin-STAR-HOT-DATE.

After a few drinks and that you-know-how-it-is small talk where you’re basically hiding how much you like someone-who-likes-you etcetera etcetera he started to REALLY open up to me. Now, here’s some crucial background information BEFORE you read the transcript: he was MARRIED to another VERY HIGH PROFILE … hmmmmm …. until about … OKAY … that’s enough information, HE’S NOT MARRIED anymore anyays …

MOVIESTAR: … and she never quite got me. I gave her fucking everything. The fifteen cars. Done. The houses. Done. The shoes, the dresses, the dogs, the fucking cats … I hate cats … DONE. EVERYTHING. YOURS … HER’S I mean.

Sound scripted? This IS how movie stars sound, ALL the time, until they’re not in public.

ME: Did you give her your heart?

MOVIESTAR: Of course I gave her my heart? What do you mean … I gave her everything …

ME: I know but to give someone your heart is to give them everything but material shit. You and I and … her too … can buy what we fucking want. Anything we want –

MOVIESTAR: (Everyone is cutting me mid-sentence today) I take your point. I did. But she’s a different species.

It lead on … to this …OKAY, now, for advice, the following is how you handle a man of this big an EGO and SUPER STARISM BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE A ‘PROFESSIONAL’:

ME: Have you ever dated a … fan?

MOVIESTAR: What?

ME: A FAN … you MUST have dated one SOME time …

MOVIESTAR: (Interested) Does it get you hot if I have?

ME: Might do (it doesn’t, but I was trying to ask something interesting I could share with you, the BLOGOEAZZI).

MOVIESTAR: Well, can you keep a secret?

ME: Of courrrrrse (Now I DO feel fucking guilty)

MOVIESTAR: OKAY. I’ve heard about this … you’re kinky as shit ( which is true enough). So I’m gonna tell you. I’ve never actually done a fan (which is bullshit, but what he told me is worse …) When I watch back movie’s of the Premiers … and the interviews … I fantasise over all the fans, all their open mouths lookin’ at me and shit, all the older fans, the ones like fifty and shit … You do that? You like that?

And THIS is how big an ego movie stars have. Most self-respecting men, all dressed up in their tuxes at respectable nightclubs, would NEVER DREAM of telling the women they are trying to date such sick stories … but these guys think it’s sexy.

Anyway, just at about this point, WHO walks in ………. BUT ………. UMMMMM ….. HIS EX FUCKING WIFE!! She’s not with anyone either (this is SERIOUS, if EVER you see an “A” list alone in a nightclub RUN or stick around for trouble). She walked up to our table, and, taking my cocktail glass, SMASHED IT ALL OVER THE TABLE AND THREW HIS-FUCKING-COCKTAIL AT … ya, you guessed it … YOURS-FUCKIN’-TRULY. All OVER my new dress. Haute-fucking couture is an haute-friggin-mess now.

MOVIESTARSBITTEREX: You fucking SLEPT with name removed?

ME: What?

MOVIESTAR: Hey … name removed, calm –

MOVIESTARSBITTEREX: YOU FUCKING SLEPT WITH MYYYYYYYY BEST FUCKING FRIEND YOU FU-

At this point she tried to throw another cocktail glass but his security guy caught her. She was draaaaaaaaaaaged all the way out the door and safely into her limo. He didn’t chase her. I have to say, this kind of thing is pretty regular, but I didn’t realize she was in the same city even! And I was soooooo excited! I thought: wait until I tell the BLOGORAZZI about this.

THEN …

MOVIESTAR: Come ooooon, let’s just get fuuuucked up.

ME: Sounds like a plan!

And we did, except Mr.Movie-friggin-I-love-my-older-fans-so-much-I-watch-them-and-whack-off got soooo fucked up he forgot his fucking address, so YOURS TRULY took him home, where he fucking puked all over my brand-fucking-new (OKAY, it’s a year old) CARPET and where he now lies ON HIS OWN about two hundred metres away, sleeeeeping off that hangover.

So …. No sex, no rock ’n roll, but maybe something fun for you guys. I am exhausted. I just wanna say some parting things. THANKS FOR YOUR HELP. THANKS FOR READING. KENYSIA you have a future in PR – take it from me. I have thought of a great idea as a result of you. ANYONE who sends me an e mail with their address, I will send a T shirt too - then you can photograph it and put it on your blog? Cool?

Alllllsooooo ... REMEMBER (BLOG about it, dammit!) "BLOGORAZZI"!

I love you all, from a very tired, but very dedicated

Anonymous Celebrity ‘x’

Comments

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Today's post was ok (writing is hard work, isn't it?). But, I have to say that the t-shirt idea is genius. It think it's going to pay off...