I've been thinkin': I'm gonna be tha' FIRST bitch to make ya'll ORGASM while reading a BLOG FUCKIN' POST!

Soooo ... yes, My Darlings, I have left you without my wit, humor, accounts of my cocaine-fueled evenings and sweet, poetic verse for a few days now. I do hope you haven't lost your minds or craved me like a speedball in that period of time ...

... for the truth is, I've been having THE BEST SEX THAT MONEY CAN BUY!

Most of you probably think that aside from sleeping with someone who ya' paying, money don't buy sex?! Well, My Darlings, IT DOES!! All you need is a private plane, a few grams of coke, a bottle of Cristal ... and ya' well on ya' way to the most immense orgasm that money - or love - can buy you!

So ya, I've been seeing random guys and gals for a bit, but no one quite caught my attention like MR. OUT OF WORK EX-BOYBAND MEMBER the other night. We were eating out (noooo, NOT THAT TYPE of eating out; we'll get to that later!) at Balthazar, a chic SoHo restaurant that basically ... well ya' gotta be fuckin' A-LIST to eat there. If that's ever you, order the King crab legs and the Sancerre '04 (not the '06!)

So me and MR. OUT OF WORK EX-BOYBAND MEMBER sucked on crab legs, sucked on Sancerre, and headed back to my hotel to pack my bags together for my trip back to Los Angeles. Oh, My Darlings, how my heart longed to stay with him ... I don't care, I mean, even if he is outta work, he's the first guy I've felt something for in sooooo fuckin' long. He's the first guy who can touch me and make me shiver all over my body, make me forget reality, forget my fans, FORGET MY FUCKIN' WORK!

I needed him, in the physical, metaphysical, Romantic and literal sense. I NEEDED him on that FUCKIN' gulfstream with me:

ME: (Turning around, suddenly, throwing my arms over his comfortingly broad shoulders, feeling his muscles tense, relax, tense, relax). I need you. I need you now. Not here, not for one last final fuck ... in life, right now. I don't know ... maybe not even forever. But now. PLEASE ... come with me now back to L.A.

MR. OUT OF WORK EX-BOYBAND MEMBER: (Eyes watery, those beautiful, beautiful soft blue eyes. Mouth just a little open, how I wanted those lips so badly on mine, how I wanted his tongue underneath me making me orgasm AGAIN AND AGAIN!) But ... Baby, I live here.

ME: So what? Come, PLEASE, PLEEEEEEES ... My God, I'm begging - just come!!

An hour later, and the limo driver is taxiing us BOTH, hand-in-fuckin'-hand, to the gulfstream! Now, for those uninitiated in the types of situations where girls (come ooooooon, I mean, I'm a fuckin' A-List celebrity but underneath that beautiful, sexy, fuck-me demeanor I'm still just a GIRL!) are most turned on, most horny, so fuckin' wet that we feel that we pissed our La Senza panties (that's not an ad, either: it's a HINT HINT if it's ya girlfreind's fuckin' birthday any time soon) ... it is situations such as THESE! It is NOT, contrary to popular belief, watching guys on steroids in G-fuckin'-strings! So My Darlings, you can imagine that my cute lil' white Armani number was positively soaked through by the time we reached the soft, white leather couches of the gulfstream, hand in hand ... his hand making my body shudder nearly in orgasm, his touch making me wanna REACH FOR HIS PANTS and ...

... I guess if you're creative, like I am, and  girl, this type of situation is more amplified than for most girls. I guess if you're imagination can carry you up into the sky, along with your eighty million dollar ten thousand dollar a day on the ground fifty fuckin' thousand bucks an hour in the sky plane, well, WHAT'S A GIRL GONNA DO?? GO TO SLEEP?

But before we join the mile high club here at this blog, there are some important things ya' gotta consider when having sex in the air, and in general, they involve aviation. For those uninitiated, here are the properties of an airplane (you get to know them pretty well when you get your own plane, so listen up):

1. They have highly pressurized cabins, hence exemplifying the impact of explosions, pistons, and muscular contractions (by the way, THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK ON A PLANE - actually, it's also why that deep vein thing happens up in the air more often than in say, a car or a train).

2. Altitudes dry things out dramatically. Skiers know this best; the snow is drier, and therefore easier for off-piste trickery in the Alps, than, say, the Sierra Nevada, simply because it's higher up. Frequent fliers also know this; spill one of THESE (no, that's not an ad, I'm just wasting your time) on your pants 30,000 feet above the sea and it's gonna dry up in like, 3 minutes!

3. Airplanes frequently change altitudes during the flight, by around 2000 or 3000 feet. You never feel this on say, American Airlines, 'cause the air pressure up there is denser and the plane is so large the whole thing is generally unrecognizable ... but in a gulfstream, you tend to feel it.

This, when translated into sexual intercourse, means the following:

1. Orgasms are MUCH more intense the higher you fly, and guys squirt about double the amount of cum everywhere that they do on the ground. So if you're giving a blowjob girls, expect a lil' more juice than usual. On the other hand, if your man-of-the moment is cumming all over your clitoris, then there will usually be sufficient lubrication to make you ORGASM LIKE A MERMAID!

2. Things dry out up there ... including our vaginas ... therefore, you need to be a) SERIOUSLY wet, b) see 1), or 3) tell the guy not to thrust his fuckin' cock up you like a horse or a dog, but do it slowly. (BY THE WAY, GUYS ... YES, we girls like it when you fuck us hard, BUT HAVE SOME RESPECT WHEN ENTERING PLEASE. If you still don't get this, think of ya' freinds' house ... you can do all the blow and drink and skunk you want inside, but you take your goddamn shoes off first!)

3. Any change - up or down - in altitude can significantly affect how wet you are, and how intense the orgasm is! Here's the conundrum however: if the plane comes down, ya' gonna stay wet for longer but the orgasm intensity will decrease, and visa versa!

Now, I'm sure you can all see how to join the mile high club and have the best ever experience?? Or you can all see the classic PROBLEM with joinin', right? Right? RIIIIIIIIGHT? (BIG HINT: it's why you should NEVER have sex flying commercial). Nope, ya'll cluless, so let me fill ya' in. Start havin' sex on the GROUND, and aim to get the orgasm by the time you reach around 35,000 feet (for flights less than one hour long this will usually be 22,000 feet by the way, but like, whatever).

So ...

ME: (In my glistening black Jimmy Choo stilettos, white, simple cotton Armani one piece, and the soaked-through turqouise La Senza panties): I NEED YOU IN ME NOW! I NEED IT. Oh my GOD, PLEASE, now!

MR. OUT OF WORK EX-BOYBAND MEMBER: Baby, we're like, about to take off. Wait a second 'till we're in the air, dont'cha think?

ME: OK, I gotta tell ya' something ... (This I have already told you My Darlings, in 1 through 3 above).

MR. OUT OF WORK EX-BOYBAND MEMBER moved his hand gently - what a great man, with all his strength, moving his hand GENTLY, not like an animal over my panties, parting them, taking them off. With his right hand he cuffed my right wrist to the head of the leather seat, where there's like, a lil' hook for coats and shit. Damn, I could feel my cum on my panties against my wrist, and FUCK, I WANN'ED TO CUM RIGHT THERE! My left hand he forced down with all his strength up against the couch, and undid his pants with the other hand.

One thing I love about MR. OUT OF WORK EX-BOYBAND MEMBER is that his cock is the straightest, uncut (that's kinda rare here, like ... it's a European thang, but ya', he's European!) 9-inch rod with the red eye ball I have seen in ages. I could see the blood underneath filling it up, I could feel the weight of the cum in his balls, there against my clitoris. (Another tip guys: WE LOVE IT WHEN YOU RUB OUT CLITORIS WITH YOUR BALLS, SOFTLY, BEFORE YOU ENTER IS, OKAY? We just don't tell ya' this shit, 'cause we think it's so-fuckin'-obvious it's above-the-need-for-explanation. Come oooon, don't ya' tell me it doesn't feel good for you too!)

ME: GET INSIDE ME NOW! PUT IT INSIDE ME!! PLEEEEEES!!

MR. OUT OF WORK EX-BOYBAND MEMBER did what all great male lovers do: he ignored my begging and continued gently rubbing my clitoris with his heavy, cum-fuckin'-heavy balls.

MR. OUT OF WORK EX-BOYBAND MEMBER then moved his head down, still chaining me through my tied, wet panties, and his muscular, deep push ... MR. OUT OF WORK EX-BOYBAND MEMBER moved his tongue softly over my clitoris, like a flame, like a soft, wet, cold flame, like a warmer and warmer and fuckin' KILLIN' MY CLITORIS FLAME ... MY GOOOOOOOOOD ...

CAPTAIN OVER INTERCOM: We managed to get the flightplan changed slightly, and now we'll be out over Pennsylvania, up over Chicago, round Seattle and straight down from there in around five hours to Los Angeles. (YOU MAY NOT THINK A CHANGE IN FLIGHT PLAN IS SEXY, but oh, IT IS, IT SOOOOO FUCKIN ISS!! It reminds you of your public presence, your risk of being caught, and the limit in time you have left ...)

The plane began to circle the runway as MR. OUT OF WORK EX-BOYBAND MEMBER circled my  tongue-wet clit gently again with his huge penis and his huge, soft fingers, moving my cum from my pussy over and over and OOOOVERRR ...

MR. OUT OF WORK EX-BOYBAND MEMBER: I 'm gonna fuck ya' in your dress, baby, fuck ya' so fuckin' hard in ya' dress.

And with that, MR. OUT OF WORK EX-BOYBAND MEMBER slowly moved his hard cock in and out, slowly SLOWLY GENTLY OHMYGOD I WANNA CRY IT'S SO DAMN SWEET! In and out, and the plane hit it's 90 mile an hour stride, 120 mile an hour stride, my dress soaking, his hand pressed against my wrist, his other hand circling my hard right nipple, then tugging at my long, beautiful, hair, as the plane hit it's 250 mile an hour stride and we turbo'ed up 15,000 feet I could feel my whole body contract, feel my vagina contract with his cock, with his cum leaking into me ...

... and then MY GOD, MY HEAVENLY, HEAVENLY FATHER, we hit 27,000 feet, and like, I guess you know what happened ...

... it was like a rainfall amid the sunniest, driest, HOTTEST beach day, and MY GOD, MY GOD, MY HEAVENLY FATHER ... you really CAN buy anything you want when you have the money of all the gods in the world combined ...

I love You All, Really ...

Your Anonymous Celebrity 'x'

Comments

[Sheryl0202]

Wow, your encounter sounded amazing!!! Seems like you are very happy with this guy! Take care and have a nice weekend! You can drop by my blog if you are free or something..although it might not be as interesting, but it's my life afterall! :)

[rh07]

aah..i love this post! as weird as this may sound, reading it kinda turned me on! mind blowing sex is always good!

[Anon]

Umm ... I actually wanked and came while reading this. Did anyone else?

Cool post...have fun some more :)

faster post a new post la...i like to read ur blog ;) . Cheers !!

[d]

Aren't you with Samantha Ronson??

[crazed]

dammmn..can you post more posts like this???